Ned is a mid-thirtysomething struggling mortgage broker with thinning hair he has attempted to camouflage by growing to his shoulders. He sports Prada eye glasses, an untucked button down shirt, and the precursor of a paunch; he also off-handedly comments that he is too much of a wuss to ask another dog parker for her phone number. Max, on the other hand, is a muscular, lean, regal looking animal who is clearly the reigning stud of the park. This coupling is a prime of example of my first theory of dog/parent relationships: people select dogs that fulfill some void they feel in their lives.
In talking to Ned, I learn that he has recently broken-up with his girlfriend after covering three-quarters of her mortgage and her daughter's tuition for the duration of their relationship. Apparently sensing that she hadn't quite sucked the bone dry, Ned's ex also demanded that he shell over an additional $500 to cover the "damage" (Ned's quotes not mine) (and by quotes I mean air quotes) Max's leg-lifting caused to one quarter of her back lawn. Although he won't quite come out and say it, it's clear Ned paid the $500.
In exchange for paying this final tax, however, Ned now feels free to regale dog parkers with the story of the missing thong, which I will detail in my next Dispatch.
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